Sunday, August 12, 2012

Those Phrases In The Job Description? What They Really Mean

Man in manhole covered in you-know-what
Maybe not the world's worst job, but surely in the top ten!

If you've been job hunting lately, you've been reading a lot of job descriptions, job descriptions that look like they were produced by a robot. They all start to sound the same, blah, blah, blah. Perhaps you're not reading them closely enough! Here's what they are really trying to tell you:

Experience required. If the ad doesn't explicitly say how much experience is required then figure if you can fog a mirror, you're halfway home.
Willing to work independently. If you think we're going to pay for training, forget it. Figure out how to do the task yourself, and afterward we'll tell you how badly you fucked it up.
Working knowledge. Have you ever worked in your life? Do you at least know how to make it look like you're working?

Looking for career-minded applicants. What? You want a life outside of work? Bwaaahaaahaaa!

Opportunities for growth. We're not in business to go out of business obviously. Oh, you thought we were talking about you?
Fast-paced, challenging environment. Every woman for herself! We're flapping around like a chicken with its legs cut off, so why shouldn't you?
Perform other tasks as needed and/or Some overtime required. Do I really need to explain this one to you? They are going to squeeze as many drops of your life force out of you as possible. AKA: We own you!

We pay a competitive salary. Don't try to ask for more because we already know what our competitors pay.
Team leadership skills a plus. We'd rather not have to hire any more high-paid managers.
An eye for detail is required. But, usually, we just wait for the customers to tell us what went wrong.
Candidates should have broad experience in their field. If you're still working in the same position after the next 6-month re-org then you're in trouble.

Casual work environment. We couldn't care less what you wear to work as long as your privates aren't showing.
Excellent communication skills a plus. Not that anyone else in the company has them, but at least be an expert in making Powerpoint slides.

Must be deadline oriented. Even though no one ever meets schedule you still have to feel the pressure.

Your duties may vary. Expect tasks and priorities to be changed on a a daily basis.

Please, no phone calls. The hiring manager already has a full-time job, so if you bother her she will put you on the bottom of the pile.

Keen problem-solving skills required. Problems we got, solutions, … not so much.
                              Good Luck Out There, It's Not Pretty!
by Casey Bahr - Casey authors three blogs, one of which is A Dull Roar, which chronicles his family's move from the U.S. to Costa Rica. Unlike the tour and real estate sites, he describes the reality of becoming an ex-pat and adapting to a new country. You can also find more humor and other topics at Last Unturned Stone.

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